The last few days have been hard. I have felt very alone and misunderstood. Among all the changes I experienced while moving to a new country, dealing with loneliness and feelings of rejection has been the hardest. It’s hard to let myself feel down while living in a great city. I don’t want to walk around wallowing, even when I am walking alone. My pride won’t let me feel bad while living in such an incredible place.
Today I walked through Portobello Market with two friends. There were many vendors lining the street, selling everything from clothing to mushrooms. The market stretched on for miles and it was only our tired feet that had us turning back toward home. We have been blessed with awesome weather this week. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky all day and a cool breeze to ensure we didn’t get too beaten down by the sun.
Today I wish things were slightly different. I wish that I didn’t feel so blue or have to struggle with feeling like an outsider. However, I went through today trying to put my best foot forward. I tried to smile throughout the day and enjoy the little moments. C.S. Lewis’s words come to mind as I try to work out these emotions and move forward in joy,
“Remember, though we struggle against things because we are afraid of them, it is often the other way round – we get afraid because we struggle. Are you struggling, resisting? Don’t you think our Lord says to you ‘Peace, child, peace. Relax. Let go. Underneath are the everlasting arms. Let go, I will catch you. Do you trust me so little?’ “
I guess I am going through refinement – being made better. We can choose how we emerge after trials and hardships we face. I am going to choose to be refined by these experiences. I am going to choose to have more empathy toward others and try to be aware of the needs of people around me. Honestly, I am sick of myself. I have seen too much of her lately. No matter if I spend my weekend evenings by myself or have moments of loneliness, I am going to choose to have hope and joy that the Lord has something great in store for me and bask in His goodness. I know He is always faithful.